In the autumn of 2021, Nancy Piness, a 67-year-old woman, found herself unable to reach out to a long-time friend after their relationship soured. While there was no singular event that led to their rift, years of disagreements and tensions eventually caused them to stop communicating.
Piness recalls, “I deliberately avoided her street,” expressing her attempts to dodge encounters at the grocery store. As Yom Kippur — the Day of Atonement and the most sacred day in the Jewish calendar — approaches this year, Piness has been reflecting on her friend and the unresolved issues between them.
Yom Kippur, which begins Friday night, is a day of fasting, prayer, and self-reflection. Rabbi Chana Leslie Glazer explains that during this time, people believe that expressing true regret and seeking forgiveness can lead to absolution. However, she adds that individuals must also mend relationships with those they have harmed for full forgiveness to take place.
In the lead-up to Yom Kippur, many Jewish people seek to reconcile with those they have wronged. Glazer noted that it’s common for individuals to create a list of people they need to apologize to. One preparatory service called selichot, observed in the week before Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year), serves to encourage reflection on past shortcomings.
At Temple Micah in northwest Washington, D.C., Piness participated in a selichot service alongside fellow congregants. They lit candles, shared wine, and recited blessings before entering the sanctuary to perform prayers that include the Al Chet, a communal confession of sins. Piness is now in her fourth High Holiday season without regular contact with her friend, who is not Jewish, and this year she feels prepared to reach out.
“I can tell it’s emotional now, and I may burst into tears,” Piness said, revealing the vulnerability she anticipates when she finally communicates with her friend. She plans to express her feelings by saying, “Too much time has gone by. I miss you. And I hope we can find some time soon to talk.”
Jewish philosopher Maimonides outlined a four-step process for seeking forgiveness: recognizing one’s wrongdoing, confessing verbally, feeling genuine regret, and ensuring not to repeat the action. For a long time, Piness found herself in limbo between these steps. This year, she made the decision to reach out.
“I was really anxious,” she admitted, reflecting on the difficulty of making the initial call. Opting to send a text instead, she inquired about her friend’s well-being and suggested meeting in person. Her friend responded positively but indicated her busy schedule.
Though they haven’t yet set a date to talk, Piness is aware that the journey to healing requires time. Rabbi Glazer cautions that while many may feel pressured to resolve issues by the end of Yom Kippur, it’s acceptable to continue working through these matters even afterward. Piness finds relief in having taken these initial steps toward reconciliation, even as the path ahead remains uncertain.