Christmas Eve brings a poignant sense of nostalgia, especially during times of loss. As a mother reflecting on cherished memories, I grapple with the weight of grief and the joy of building new traditions with my son. The holiday season, once filled with vibrant family gatherings at my Nani and Nonno’s house, has shifted dramatically since their passing.
In my childhood, Christmas Eve was marked by a boisterous gathering for what we affectionately called a Fishmas dinner, overflowing with food, love, and laughter. The evening would end with us nestled around the television, savoring It’s a Wonderful Life or indulging in our favorite fireplace channel, while the adults reveled in their own spirited conversations and stories filled with both warmth and rivalry.
However, the joys of the holiday have become intertwined with layers of grief. The loss of both my grandparents and most recently my father has reshaped our family dynamics, leading to an unspoken retreat from our beloved traditions. The first Christmas without them was filled with a quiet sadness, an expected pause that transformed over the years into a silent reshaping of our holiday identity.
Despite this, the arrival of my son rekindled my desire to embrace the holiday spirit. Putting up a Christmas tree adorned with ornaments decorated in my Nani’s handwriting became a healing act, allowing me to feel connected to my family’s legacy. Though I am grateful for the warmth offered by friends and new experiences like local Christmas markets, it’s challenging to replicate the joyful chaos of my childhood festivities.
In this journey of adapting traditions, I have found ways to blend my past with the present. We’re using beloved cookie cutters from my Nani to create festive pancakes, and my cousin and I have committed to an annual screening of It’s a Wonderful Life, an occasion that still resonates deeply with us. These small yet significant adaptations honor the memories of those we’ve lost while forging new connections with the loved ones still with us.
As I navigate this bittersweet holiday season, my son’s laughter fills the gaps left by those who have departed, reminding me that grief is not only about loss but also about celebrating the profound impact of love. On Christmas Eve, I will take a moment to remember my family, reflecting on our shared memories while embracing the joyous chaos of new traditions, ensuring that the spirit of Christmas continues to thrive in my heart and in my home.