Grief manifests in many forms and is a deeply personal journey, often met with misunderstanding and judgment from others. This sentiment is increasingly relevant as recent incidents highlight how public figures grapple with societal expectations surrounding grief. Erika Kirk, widow of conservative activist Charlie Kirk, became a focal point for such scrutiny following her husband’s tragic death on a college campus in Utah in September. Online discussions dissecting her reactions and choices since the incident have revealed the ongoing phenomenon of “grief policing.”
Mental health experts emphasize that judging how someone grieves—collectively known as grief policing—often arises from the belief that there exists a correct way to cope with loss. This belief can differ widely among individuals and communities. Psychotherapist Stephanie Sarkis notes, “Grief policing is feeling like you have the right to decide how someone grieves.” Each person’s experience is unique, and the pressure to conform to societal expectations can lead to added distress for those in mourning.
Kirk expressed her own tumultuous journey through grief via social media, illustrating the unpredictable ups and downs, stating, “There is no linear blueprint for grief.” Her candid description captures the oscillation between sorrow and sudden moments of joy, highlighting the complexity of navigating personal loss.
The phenomenon of grief policing is not confined to Kirk. Other public figures, such as Chrissy Teigen and John Legend, faced similar online backlash after sharing their own vulnerable experiences following the death of their son, while Ashley Judd encountered criticism for her response to her mother Naomi Judd’s death. Such judgments often arise in an attempt to manage discomfort around death and mourning, further complicating the grieving process.
Research conducted by the University of Colorado Boulder confirms that grief policing is particularly prevalent in online spaces, where conflicting social norms can exacerbate scrutiny and judgment. Author and grief expert David Kessler admits that individuals often find fault in how others cope, lamenting that the “grief police” have numerous criteria around what constitutes an acceptable expression of grief.
As individuals navigate their own journeys through loss, mental health professionals advise approaching grief with self-compassion and patience. The stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—should serve as guidelines rather than rigid steps that everyone must adhere to. Sarkis encourages those grieving to embrace the full range of emotions, including moments of happiness, as part of their unique healing process.
Ultimately, acknowledging the individuality of grief and creating a compassionate environment devoid of judgment can play a significant role in helping those affected by loss to heal more authentically.